Mar. 26th, 09:55a
(subject)
The most important thing I learned on Tralfamadore was that when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist. The Tralfamadorians can look at all the different moments just that way we can look at a stretch of the Rocky Mountains, for instance. They can see how permanent all the moments are, and they can look at any moment that interests them. It is just an illusion we have here on Earth that one moment follows another one, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone it is gone forever. When a Tralfamadorian sees a corpse, all he thinks is that the dead person is in a bad condition in that particular moment, but that the same person is just fine in plenty of other moments. Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say what the Tralfamadorians say about dead people, which is "so it goes.”
American planes, full of holes and wounded men and corpses, took off backwards from an airfield in England. Over France, a few German fighter planes flew at them backwards, sucked bullets and shell fragments from some of the planes and crewmen. They did the same for wrecked American bombers on the ground, and those planes flew up backwards to join the formation. The formation flew backwards over a German city that was in flames. The bombers opened their bomb bay doors, exerted a miraculous magnetism which shrunk the fires, gathered them into cylindrical steel containers, and lifted the containers into the bellies of the planes. The Germans below had miraculous devices of their own, which were long steel tubes. They used them to suck more fragments from the crewmen and planes. But there were still a few wounded Americans, though, and some of the bombers were in bad repair. Over France, though, German fighters came up again, made everything and everybody as good as new. When the bombers got back to their base, the steel cylinders were taken from the racks and shipped back to the United States of America, where factories were operating night and day, dismantling the cylinders, separating the dangerous contents into minerals. Touchingly, it was mainly women who did this work. The minerals were then shipped to specialists in remote areas. It was their business to put them into the ground, to hide them cleverly, so they would never hurt anybody ever again. The American fliers turned in their uniforms, became high school kids. And Hitler turned into a baby, Billy Pilgrim supposed. That wasn't in the movie. Billy was extrapolating. Everybody turned into a baby, and all humanity, without exception, conspired biologically to produce two perfect people named Adam and Eve, he supposed.
Feb. 3rd, 12:04p
(subject)
I feel as if unlocking talent and passion is like searching for a stronger current under the surface of a river. You can look at the water and appreciate it for what it is at face value, or you can strive to dig deeper and learn to swim and move with it. I find myself magnetized to those in this world who seem full of wisdom and intelligence--and a connection to the source. And when I hear them speak, I feel like there is a part of me that really understands what they have to say and where they are coming from. But I also understand what makes them different. These people either know from the beginning what they feel passionate about, or they keep looking until they find it. And some people seem to get really lucky and just happen to stumble upon it one day. I'm also amazed at how people have this fascination with Europe, specifically England and the UK in general--there's something about it that really seems to give them inspiration. So now my thoughts lie in moving there and perhaps I will find what I'm looking for too. Gradually over time, I'm beginning to find myself really tired of distractions that will ultimately mean nothing to me except leave me satisfied just for that one moment--the present. And maybe that's the downfall of a lot of people, because it's so comfortable and easy to make yourself happy for now, without actually planning on making your life better in the future. And maybe depression and hitting rock-bottom allows you to start building a foundation upwards towards the future. I almost feel as if my real self is lying dormant behind this veil of fog, and I keep searching for the right opportunity for it to truly awaken only to get distracted by the ease and comfort of everyday living. Thankfully, the door is still open for change to occur. And I know that soon enough, the time will come for things to change quite drastically and that motivation is what's keeping me alive right now.
i pretty much just want to die right now. i can't stand my living situation and every effort i make to alleviate the situation and seperate myself from it has ended up in a dead end. at this point in time, i feel like i'm being told that taking my own path isn't something that is meant to be and instead i need to just internally decompose more until i'm finally allowed the sanctity of my own personal freedom. i'm simply not living right now.
i feel like i keep awakening repeatedly and each time the world expands, like a dream turning itself inside out inside of a small matryoshka doll. and yet i still haven't really woken up yet.
i'm exhausted from sleeping and hiding, i'm ready to face things and move on.
So, I was totally interviewed by King 5 news last night while walking down to vivace for some coffee from my apartment.
http://www.king5.com/video/index.html?n
Not only was i ridiculously stoned when i was being interviewed, but i barely had any idea what was going on at the time. OH GODDDD.