Problem: I'm going into hardcore Saturn Return mode and have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
Solution: I'm spreading myself all over the place, trying to do things that I wouldn't normally do, just to see what happens.
Repercussions: The process is kind of frightening and I feel overly vulnerable. However if I didn't do what I'm currently doing, I would just feel even more restless than I already do.
Sleeping is difficult lately. I have mental and physical energy that I know that I'm not putting to proper use. I'm tired of sitting around and waiting for things that will never happen unless I make them happen. I'm coming to a point where I need to find something that makes me happy, and I'll do just about anything that it takes in order to find it. Any free time that I have lately where I'm not doing something is time spent feeling restless, guilty, and useless. I'm pushing myself really hard, and I'm not sure if it's good for me. In the wake of a year of so much death and change, I feel like I need to be prepared to spend every moment without waste--in respect to those that have passed and will pass, and to myself. I can only hope that I make the right choices and that they prove to be worthwhile.
How does one proceed with life when surrounded by death? It is a face that I cannot avoid this year--a sagging sigh followed by a breath of dust and stagnation.
Despite my last entry, life still has not changed yet. If anything, it is pushing me to change further. I am beginning to realize that living is doing, and doing is all about taking your knowledge, your experience, and your innate tastes and qualities, and frankly just doing something with it. Either you can remain in silence with all of your wisdom and creativity and numb yourself into complacency, or you push yourself to make your gift known to other people and create something out of it. Some of the most successful people that I have ever seen take their passion and make it tangible to a wider audience. Based on my experiences in work and in school, I feel an ever growing need to share what comes most innately to myself. I could listen to and read interviews with artists for the rest of my existence, and they all share one common thread--do what you think and feel. Make it something that others can appreciate and learn from. But the question is, how? And by what means? As I battle my way through school not knowing what my ultimate goal is, I'm simply just doing. I'm grasping with my fingers in the dark, searching for a catalyst that will both set me free and allow me to live the life that i want to live.
Sometimes as good as life may be, I know it can be better. I'm happy lately on the most basic of levels, but it only brings me complacency. There isn't any growth involved because I'm comfortable, and that comfort takes away any urgency that I may feel to press forward. In an era where technology has manifested to a point where it controls our lives on a daily basis with a lullaby of convenience, I find myself distracted and only seeking to satisfy myself rather than to help others grow, and I know that is what would satisfy me the most.
So if I take this time, and I make this space for myself--what do I choose? How do I select just one thing that i can use as an outlet to express all that I want to for the rest of my life? It feels like such a difficult decision. I love music, but I don't know if it's right for me. I love art, but I can't see well enough to be confident in what I do and know that it's what I want it to be. So then, do I rely on sound to carve the path forward? How do I shake this numbness away? For most people, I think romantic relationships carve out where you're headed in your life. But for me, I find myself only looking inward despite the times that I try to reach out to others. Perhaps it's an immaturity, or perhaps I just know.
I'm starting to believe that real happiness lies within creation in the realm of creativity, and that's how I'm associated with any kind of divinity that may be out there.
Life is in such a strange place lately. I keep getting this persistent feeling where I know that a significant current chapter in life is about to end and another is about to begin, but I can't seem to figure out when or how. 2013, I can safely say that you constantly have me on the edge of my seat and remain shrouded in mystery. Where exactly are things headed? It is a question mark that I saw appear down the road a few years ago. I knew it was approaching, but conveniently ignored it up until now, assuming that an answer would manifest itself with time. And now, I am faced with it and still don't have an answer. Everything happened as predicted and things are ugly. I'm ready for the cycle of rebirth and for the good to arise from the ashes of the bad. How does one prepare for the unexpected?
I feel like I'm floating through existence on an icy cloud right now. I'm aware of everything that's going on right now and the pressure that it involves, but it simply melts at my fingertips into rain drops of carelessness. Work is awful, school is intimidating but interesting. This is the new chapter and either way I will need to face up to it; even if it means doing so in a disconnected state.